Chapter Five: Confusions

"I still find it hard to believe that it's legal now for same sex couples to marry in England," Nicholas said to Talan.

Cassandra and her brother Nicholas were seated at the dining table in his apartment. Cassandra had cooked a delicious meal for them even though Talan had offered to, but she insisted, explaining that she wanted to do this for her brother. He wasn't about to argue because she would know what her own brother liked best anyway. After they had finished eating and he'd cleared the table, they sat there chatting as they drank a moderately expensive bottle of red wine. He never kept cheap wine in the apartment, mostly because Cassandra wouldn't drink it if it cost less than a hundred dollars.

"I know what you mean, you would think England was so entrenched in its laws that it would be hard to change them," Talan said.

"It's good that they did change them," Nicholas said. Then in a confiding tone, "I don't know if Cass has told you this, but I'm gay myself."

He glanced at Cassandra with a questioning look, he said, "No, she never mentioned it."

"I didn't feel it was my place to tell," she explained.

Talan smiled reassuringly at her, he said, "I understand honey, I would've done the same thing."

"And that's what I love about you," she said fondly to him.

He didn't know how to respond to that, never before had she ever brought the word love into conversation, even in private. She didn't say she loved him, only that she loved something about him. He realised she was testing him, he'd known her long enough to see it was a ploy to ascertain his reaction. Without too much hesitation, he smiled at Cassandra warmly. He was not going to be caught out stunned or unresponsive. Neither was he going to be baited into saying something he didn't believe he felt.

"I hope this doesn't change how you think about me," Nicholas said.

"Not at all," Talan said, "I don't think any different of you, I actually have a friend that's gay."

Cassandra and Nicholas both leaned closer in their seats.

"Really? You've never said anything about this before," Cassandra said with an interest that veiled her true dismay.

"You do? Is he single? Is he good looking?" Nicholas asked at the same time.

"Yes, he is single and very good looking too," he replied to Nicholas and then to Cassandra, "We've only just met, I'm sorry if I failed to mention it before."

"I only want you to be happy, I know how many friends you have lost or who don't keep in touch anymore, so I can't see why you couldn't share this good news with me sooner," she said concerned, "Although it does explain why you've been really cheerful lately."

His girlfriend did have a point. Meeting a new friend he held in high esteem was good news he should have shared with her. Yet he'd never thought to tell her. It was never his intention to keep it from her, but subconsciously he did. He wasn't ashamed of having a gay friend so that couldn't be the reason. He'd been happier than he'd ever been in a long time and he knew it was because of his friendship with Chance. Every time he was with Chance he felt comfortable and at ease like he never could be with anyone else.

When he took Chance home on his motorbike the other night, his concentration was heavily focused on the road. Thinking about it more closely, he could suddenly remember fleeting emotions he must have repressed until now. He remembered how . . . appropriate - yes, appropriate - it felt to have Chance's arms around him, strange as it may sound. When he sensed the other man's erection against his back for a short time at some point during the ride, Talan felt a bit flattered, and slightly aroused himself. Impossible. How could he have not noticed these underlying feelings, did it mean he felt something more intimate for Chance Day?

"Darling?" Cassandra said bringing him out of his thoughts, "You've gone red as a turnip."

She was right, his face was burning somewhat, he said quickly, "It must be the wine."

"But you've barely touched your second glass," She pointed out.

"You know how I am with alcohol," he said as if it was explanation enough.

"Yes I do actually," Cassandra said. "You must let us meet your new friend soon. What's his name?"

"Yeah mate, you must introduce us," Nicholas agreed in his English accent.

"His name?" Talan asked unsure of whether he should say anything, "I... I think I've said too much, I really shouldn't have said he was gay without his permission, I feel really awful for letting that slip."

"Look what we've done now," Cassandra said amused, "We've put my boyfriend in a moral quandary."

"I think it's adorable," Nicholas said at Talan's flustered state.

He must have went bright red again because they laughed at seeing his face.

"I won't push you anymore darling," Cassandra said getting up, "I think I'll get you some iced water with a slice of lemon to cool you down."

"Thanks," Talan said appreciatively as Cassandra headed into the kitchen.

Nicholas was looking at him strangely, for a second it reminded Talan of the way Chance looked at him when the doctor thought he wasn't noticing.

"What?" he questioned.

"There's just something about you," Nicholas said. Silent alarms went off inside his head. Confused, he wondered why he would feel perturbed at that statement.

"What do you mean?" Talan asked for clarification.

"I don't know, It's like you've got this innocence about you, but at the same time it's not a naïve kind, and you have such high upstanding morals," Nicholas said perplexed.

"Thanks," Talan said, inwardly relieved. His relief was equally as confusing as the alarm he'd felt before. He said, "Your sentiments are much too kind, I only try to be as positive and just as I can be."

"See, why couldn't there be more men like you?" Nicholas said, "If you were gay I'd snatch you up for myself and never let you go."

Talan looked away and blushed with embarrassment at how direct Cassandra's brother was being with him.

"What are you doing to poor Talan," Cassandra said entering the dining room and handing him a glass of iced water with a slice of lemon floating at the top, "He's not going to take too much of this."

"Thank you," he said to Cassandra again.

She gave him a smile that said 'You're welcome'.

"I was just saying how I'd love to steal him away from you," Nicholas said to his sister.

Cassandra snorted indignantly, which was not quite how she usually reacted around other people. She must be more comfortable around her brother. She said, "Not likely, no one's taking my Talan away from me, nothing will ever get between us."

Talan smiled at Cassandra again. Inside, he wasn't as convinced at the certitude he was projecting. A small seed of doubt had sprouted within him. He wasn't so sure of his future with Cassandra anymore. He still held her in the highest of affections, but a small hope for something more profound than he could ever imagine was growing in him as well.

"I think it's time for me to get back to my hotel and freshen up for my night out," Nicholas said abruptly, "Thanks for your hospitality Talan and thanks for the delicious meal sis."

After shaking Talan's hand, Nicholas kissed Cassandra on the cheeks and left with a flourish.

"I should leave too," Cassandra told him.

"So early?" he said.

"Yes, I would love to stay but I've made arrangements with your mother," she said.

"What kind of arrangements?" Talan asked suspicious.

"If I told you I couldn't surprise you with it," Cassandra said evasively.

"If it involves my mother, I'm not going to ask," he conceded. "But I'll guess that it entails plans for my future."

Cassandra didn't respond to that. Which led him to believe he was right.

"I'll see you soon then darling," she said to him.

He kissed her lips gently and when their mouths parted she smiled at him wistfully. A regretful longing made her eyes glisten on the verge of tears.

"I do love you," she said and left without waiting for a response.

The words hit him like a blow to the chest. Had she waited there for him to respond she would have been waiting some time. It appeared she left without awaiting his response for the reason that she knew he couldn't reciprocate those feelings. She was a lot smarter than he gave her credit for. She wasn't stupid, but in matters of the heart he thought he did his best not to lead her on, to let her think he loved her. Love had to come naturally, and when it did he would express it to her. She must have realised this, but still decided to bare her feelings for him.

He was beginning to feel guilty about his relationship with Cassandra, though he knew he shouldn't. His emotions were everywhere tonight, he needed some clarity and only one thing could do that.

On his motorbike he cruised the streets, concentrating on the road and nothing else. He didn't need to worry about anything. All his troubles seemed to melt away as the urban terrain of his hometown Sydney blurred past.

He noticed he was on the motorway which led towards the suburb in which Chance lived. He decided to give his friend a visit.

Not long after, he was parked on the front driveway and was walking to the front porch when the door opened before he got there to knock.

Chance stepped out of the house, with a grin on his face he said, "Talan, what a surprise, I heard your bike, I'm glad you dropped by."

"I didn't know if you'd be home," Talan said.

"Sometimes I go out to the pub, but tonight I haven't because Jon has work tomorrow, so I thought I'd stay home and entertain him," Chance said. "Anyway, come in, we were just playing poker, you came right on time."

"Thanks," Talan said, stepping past Chance into his house.

Chance's home was sensibly decorated, there wasn't a lot of knick-knacks that he could see, but the careful placement of larger more interesting items in areas where white space would otherwise dominate made up for it. Talan stood just inside the house, by the door, awaiting Chance to show him in further. From where he was, he could see inside the living room, down the length of the hallway and part of the kitchen beyond. The living room had a large comfortable looking dark brown fabric couch some distance in front of a big wide-screen plasma television. On the wall behind the television hung a large round metal shield with two swords hanging in an 'x' close above it. A fireplace was situated on the far wall between the couch and the television. A fur rug, perhaps sheep wool, lay in the centre of the room. The hall Talan stood in was only furnished with a small wide table by the door. Along the walls of the hallway hung various photo frames in different shapes and sizes. The photos nearest to him contained a smiling Chance with people who looked close to him. There was a happy carefree attitude about the pictures he could see that was infectious and his mood lifted because of it.

"Oh, you've noticed the photos," Chance said after he locked the front door, "Some of them are embarrassing but I chose the best ones for this hall, pictures that showed happy times so I'd be reminded that there are plenty more to come."

"That's a really good method," Talan complimented.

"I think it is too," Chance said, "Come through to the kitchen, I'll introduce you to Jon."

"Okay," Talan said following Chance towards the back of the house. The kitchen was spacious and modern. It combined a dining room in an open plan and gave an overall relaxed feeling. A designer black table with matching low backed chairs was the centrepiece of the dining section. A good looking young man with blond hair sat at the table shuffling a deck of cards. He rose from the seat when they neared him.

"This is my flatmate and best friend Jon," Chance introduced, "Jon, this is Talan."

Jon shook his hand and said, "Good to meet you mate, so you're the guy who almost killed Chance?"

"Don't listen to him," Chance said, "Don't even take anything he says seriously either."

"How can you talk about me like that, Chance?" Jon asked hurt, though sounding like he was putting it on.

"Pretty easily dude," Chance said grinning, "Especially when it's the truth."

"Well it's not nice to introduce me that way to other people," Jon said, "You'll give them the wrong impression of me before they can make their own opinion."

"Cut the crap mate, everyone sees your true colours pretty quickly," Chance said light-heartedly.

"That's because what you see is what you get," Jon said, then to Talan he asked, "Can I get you a drink? We're on the scotch whiskey tonight, Johnny Walker Black Label."

"Uhm, I..." Talan began.

Jon cut him off, "Okay, a glass of scotch it is."

Talan looked at Chance confused at having the decision made for him. Chance just shrugged his shoulders and gave him a what-can-you-do-about-it look.

"Get me a refill while you're there," Chance told Jon.

"Lazy bastard," Jon said to Chance. He picked up the two glasses on the table and walked across to the kitchen.

"Hey! I poured the last round, it's your turn now and don't forget the ice for me," Chance called out to Jon across the room, he asked Talan, "Do you want ice, or coke with it?"

"No thanks," Talan said shaking his head at the same time.

"Make it straight for Talan," Chance said loudly to Jon.

"Yeah, got it, you don't have to friggin' shout you idiot, I'm not deaf," Jon said just as loudly across the room. "Why can't you keep it simple like Talan?"

"Shut up and pour our drinks already," Chance told Jon, he said this in a way that wasn't rude. Rather, their conversation reflected the closeness of their friendship and Talan was in awe and just slightly envious of it. He'd never had any friends close enough to speak so openly with. When his father came into his inheritance and their good fortune changed dramatically, people who before had never even given him a second glance would try to worm their way into his life. Saddened that so many people only cared about money he kept them all at arms length, never letting any one of them close enough to him.

"Take a seat mate," Chance said, seating himself, "I hope you're good at poker because I always end up winning when we play for money, but we're not playing for money tonight so I'll go easy on you."

Talan sat down at the table and chuckled at the confidence Chance displayed over his apparent poker skills.

"Yeah, I think he cheats," Jon said returning with the drinks.

"Thanks," Talan said when Jon handed him a glass.

"That's what losers always say," Chance said playfully smug.

"See," Jon said to Talan, "The only thing bigger than Chance's head is his mouth."

"Are you sure about that?" Chance asked in a friendly challenge, "I can think of something else that's bigger."

"I can't," Jon returned.

Talan bit his lower lip to keep from laughing. Chance glanced at him and suddenly turned red, then looked away before Talan could register the embarrassment. Talan stared at his glass. Chance must have remembered the state of arousal he was in the other night on his motorbike. That arousal did feel big pressed against his back. Surprised that the memory was giving him some pleasure, his own cheeks flushed with heat. The awkward moment was broken by an oblivious Jon dealing out the cards for a game of poker.

Chance was indeed as good at poker as he claimed. Winning the first few games he must have decided to show some mercy when he allowed Talan to win a few. Talan was delighted at spending time with such unpretentious friends. He was having more fun than he'd had for a long time and after a few more drinks he even became accustomed to Jon's vulgar language. The night progressed with Jon winning the fewest games and Chance making fun of him for it. He was feeling good, the alcohol was loosening him up and making him more talkative than he usually would be. When he discovered that Jon was a private investigator, he became extremely interested and asked quite a few questions about the profession, getting a good deal of eye rolling from Chance when Jon went into elaborate explanations.

"I would love to tell you more about my job, Talan," Jon said, "But it's close to midnight and I need to get some sleep so that I can work tomorrow."

"Oh, I'm sorry if I kept you up," Talan apologised, "I really didn't mean to bother you with so many questions."

"You're a hoot!" Jon exclaimed, then to Chance he said, "Where did you find this guy!"

"On the streets apparently," Chance said.

They all laughed at the truth behind the joke.

"It was good to meet you mate," Jon said as he came around the table to shake his hand again, "You're always welcome to drop by anytime."

"Thanks," Talan said, "It was good to meet you too."

Jon put his glass away and said goodnight to the both of them. He was alone with Chance, who was putting the cards back into their pack.

"You didn't want to play another round did you?" Chance asked before he put the cards away entirely.

"No," Talan said, "I don't feel like being beaten again."

Chance said, laughing, "Wise decision."

Talan felt exhilarated being around Chance. The other man exuded something that was addictive and intoxicating. Chance made the time they spent together extremely enjoyable. For the first time in his life he felt alive and animated. Chance inspired in him a yearning for something more of his existence, or more precisely, a yearning to fill something he never knew he was missing.

"Are you going to be alright to ride your bike?" his friend asked him with concern, "If not you can always stay here, we have a guest bedroom, well, it's actually a mini gym set-up which happens to have a spare bed in there."

"Thanks for the offer," Talan said, "But I should be alright, I've been drinking water for the past hour and I didn't have too many drinks, so I should be under the legal limit to ride."

"Well, just making sure you are then," Chance explained, "I don't want something to happen to you."

"Thanks for your concern," Talan said, "It means a lot to me."

"It's nothing," Chance said, "Mates should always look out for each other."

"I'm grateful to have a mate like you," he said with genuine honesty.

"Same here mate," Chance said, "You're not like anyone I've ever known."

Talan's cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment for the umpteenth time that night and he looked away. He checked his watch but he knew it was around midnight.

"I should get going, I don't want to keep you up too late," he said.

"It wouldn't be a bad thing if you did, it's only Sunday tomorrow," Chance said.

"Still, you should get some rest, you look tired," Talan said.

They rose from their seats at the same time and Chance bumped into him as they both tried to go towards the door at the same time. Chance wasn't at risk of falling but Talan grabbed his arm anyway to make sure he was steady. He looked into the other man's eyes, they were like deep pools of darkness that swirled hypnotically. His heart raced as he kept his hand on Chance's arm.

The space between their heads diminished and Chance's face began to fill his vision. He was very good looking with his thick black eyebrows and neatly trimmed facial hair. Before he knew it, his lips found Chance's and he parted them. He held the sides of Chance's head with his hands as his tongue darted inside his friend's warm and moist mouth to explore the other man's tongue. With his eyes closed the pleasurable sensations were heightened. At some point Chance must have taken some breath fresheners because he tasted minty. Talan was becoming aroused and he pressed himself against the other man. He could feel that Chance was aroused too. Their erections pressed against each other, further exciting him, driving him to kiss his friend with hunger. He could think of nothing else but how good it felt to have Chance in his arms, and the taste of him in his mouth. He was lost in the moment, he didn't care about anything else.

Suddenly a mental picture of his girlfriend Cassandra floated across his mind and his passion deflated like a punctured balloon. Talan pulled away from Chance abruptly, but gently. His friend looked at him with confusion - he had good reason to be confused. He hadn't intended for their friendship to steer in the wrong direction. What he'd just done was unforgivable.

"I'm so sorry Chance," Talan said deeply regretful, "I shouldn't have done that to you."

The confusion conveyed in Chance's face increased. How could he have been so stupid as to do something like that to such a good friend? How could he ruin their friendship?

He continued, "I - I don't know why I did that, but it won't happen again, I just don't know what came over me."

Chance still appeared confused, though now his eyes began to glisten with the onset of tears.

Talan went on, "Please don't be upset, don't be mad at me."

He was walking backwards towards the hallway, putting some distance between them. He hated himself for upsetting his friend and putting Chance in an awkward position. His vision was blurring as he felt his own eyes growing wet from the humiliation.

"Please, forgive me," he whispered. He turned and all but ran down the hallway to the front door as tears streaked down his face. He stopped at the front door for a moment before going through. Talan took one last look at Chance and his heart broke into pieces. Chance stood in the same spot, shoulders slumped, head hung low he was staring at the ground without moving. The man was a vision of devastation, crushed by Talan's stupidity.

He left quickly. He'd done enough damage. Not ever would he be able to forget the image of Chance standing there shattered and alone. He was never going to forgive himself for it, even if Chance ever did.